She has struggled to breathe.
Suffocating, choking on air.
Beating herself up for so long.
Her body has weathered the storm that has hovered over her for the past few years.
She has pushed people away to save them the heartache of stepping into her world.
She is still learning how to love and forgive herself.
What has happened to me and how can I get back to what I once was, she asks herself.
Or should I continue down this path?
Is it leading me to something greater?
She sits and examines herself. She is drained.
She often looks at the destination as the goal and forgets to realize that the journey is more important.
She has tried and failed. Failed again.
The girl she once knew lays in the coffin, in the graveyard, locked away.
There is no bringing her back.
Will you still love her when she exposes you to the inner workings of her mind, the darkest side of her?
You’re getting deeper and deeper.
Can you handle it?
I sat by his bedside as he clung to life by a thread.
His hands were cold and wrinkled.
His breaths were sporadic and long when he inhaled.
The silence in between gasps is what frightened me most. I looked over each time to make sure he was still alive for a moment more.
The tubes and machines connected to him were overwhelming.
I sat there in the chair which messed up my back from hours of being still.
I held his fragile hand in mine.
I would rub my thumb over his to let him know I was there.
I wanted so badly for him to squeeze my hand.
The hospital floor always reeked of a gut-wrenching lemon smell.
I would stare at the black screech marks on the white tiles until the nurse would come in for her hourly checkups.
She would check the IV, ensure the machines were reading properly, and told me for the 100th time that if I needed something, she would be right out front.
I knew she was doing her job, but I did not want to hear it anymore.
Sometimes I sat in silence and other times I left the tv on in the background for some noise distraction.
I barely ate, slept, or left the room to join the outside world.
The roof on the house was broken.
When it rained, it would seep through the ceiling in the dining room. Her mother would have to place buckets on the floor to stop puddles from forming.
It was a bone chilling cold that would find it’s way into the apartment. The weather outside always represented the mood of the house, cloudy and depressing.
The daughter often wore piles of clothing to keep warm or she would make herself a cup of tea. The parents fought constantly.
The daughter would let the heat from the tea wash over her, warming every limb in her body. She would close her eyes and wish she was anywhere but there.
She would try to focus her attention on the dripping noise of the water seeping through the ceiling.
So much water would come through that it would cause a bubble to form. It was like the water was trying to make its way through to them.
Now that she’s older, she thinks back to that leaky roof. It was a representation of everything wrong in her life.
The broken roof was a symbol of the broken household she lived in. The water bubble in the ceiling, with all the cracks of paint chipping off, represented her emotions.
Something was coming to the surface and she did not quite know what it was when she was just a kid.
As an adult, she looks back and realizes that the thing that was bubbling to the surface was her anger. Her depression. Her need to escape that house.
spring brings new beginnings
you learn to bloom again
despite being stepped on and mistreated
each time we stand tall, we come back stronger
do not fear the change of the seasons
something may be in store for us that we did not even expect
~ for anyone needing a little pick me up
when we are in the moment
feeling everything so very deeply
being consumed by this sadness and our thoughts that will not shut off
completely hopeless feeling like we cannot take one more step forward
this is when we need to fight like we’ve never fought before
as hard as it may be, take your time
time heals all wounds
let yourself feel, but always try and keep fighting
as cliche as this may sound, it is the truth
as much as it may hurt right now, that pain will end
your heart is still beating
you are resilient
you will overcome this and find something so much more
just hold on a little longer
this I promise you
~ if you have made it this far, you can make it through this
You have brought vivacity to my world
I no longer see the world as black and white, it is no longer colorless
You are my sunrise, sunset, and everything in between
You have so many infinities within you
You are vulnerable and share them with me
–is this love?
There is beauty in learning how to be on your own, like sitting alone in a coffee shop
Endings lead to new beginnings
And they can be better than we ever expected
Being able to go somewhere new
Being able to breathe again without the baggage of the past lurking among you
You can start fresh, start over
If something is meant for you, it will come
Do not rush the process
–breakdowns often lead to breakthroughs.
Home was always wherever you were
I found sanctuary within the four walls of your apartment
I felt safe, protected, and loved
I would lay in bed as the sunlight would seep through the peach colored curtains
The breeze would sweep across the room
There was a certain beauty within the stillness I felt when I was home with you
You were such a light in this darkness
When you were taken from us so suddenly
I could no longer find that light
I know you are here with me in spirit
I carry you in my heart
What I would give to be in that apartment with you once more
–this is the broken heart of losing a loved one
you are a breath of fresh air
to me that means everything
you ignite every fiber of my being
you make me feel alive again
from the depths of my soul
this I know
I will find warmth in your arms
you will find comfort in my words