It’s been a while since I’ve written and being honest, I needed to find my way back. Life has been a roller-coaster and I’ve been dealing with a whirl-wind of emotions.
This post is kind of just going to relieve some stress and anxiety I have been feeling. I was wide awake at 3am the other morning, staring at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep. I’ve been restless. My sleep schedule seems non-existent these days. With everything going on in the world right now it seems difficult to get back on track. I am trying my absolute best to maintain a positive light.
Apologizing in advance if this post seems all over. I am just going to write some thoughts. I have found myself giving people countless chances, finding it in my heart to forgive even if every fiber in my body is telling me not to. Giving people multiple chances to change requires trusting they will make those changes. I’ve allowed this numerous times in my life especially over the course of the last 2 years. I try my best to be a good person. However, some people should be forgiven not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. Some people do have the ability to change. Others not so much. Being a kind person who is forgiving can be a downfall. People can see this as a weakness and assume because you are giving them another chance, they can make the same mistake twice.
I have been feeling drained and numb all at once. The emotions I feel overcome me as I try to make sense of my world. Something I’ve wanted and tried to salvage has come to an end and I am trying my best to be okay with it. At first I thought the greatest acts of love were forgiveness and sacrifice. As cliche as it may sound it’s like the saying goes, “If you love someone let them go, if they return it was meant to be.”
I’ve been taken for a fool. I give so many chances and the other person does not understand what it took for me to give them that next chance. I’m disappointed in myself honestly. The signs are always there and we can choose to see or ignore them.
Forgiveness is tough. You may not want to, but you can when you’re ready. It takes time. It’s hard being the bigger person sometimes. We may have too much pride to do so.
I just want to breathe again. I have felt suffocated for so long. I just need to trust the process and remind myself that things will get better. If something does not work out as planned, there’s most likely a reason. I should not force things. I should not blame myself for that.
I choose myself. I choose to move forward. I choose to leave the baggage behind. I choose to fight for me. I choose to fight for my happiness.
I’m writing this post to make sense of my world right now. I am somehow coming together and shattering at the same time. One door closes and another opens. You can forgive others and find the strength to move forward despite the pain they may have caused you, but it’s going to hurt. Sometimes our heart and mind are at war. You know what you need to do, but what you feel in your heart holds you back.
I’m unsure of how I have let things get so messy. COVID has really impacted my relationship and every other aspect of my life. My relationship has been put through the ringer. As I navigate the waters, I have come to learn that the little things are in fact the big things. When you are living with someone, you really learn the ins and outs of the other person. You learn their pet peeves and what makes them tick. When the little things are overlooked or not even considered as significant, this can cause issues.
You can give your absolute everything to someone and they may not see how drained you have been with working through the hard stuff. COVID has really tested my relationship as I’m sure it has done to others too.
Sometimes it’s best to walk away. You may love them and still do, but sometimes you need to take some time for yourself to recuperate. Your health and well-being are the most important and if they are compromised, you need to just keep moving forward.
It makes me emotional because I’ve thought about how things were in the beginning and as time progresses, things get tough. Somehow the person you once knew is no longer there. It upsets me because it feels like as soon as one thing in life pieces together, something else falls apart.
But I pray.
I’m done feeling guilty and sorry for myself. I am tired of making excuses.
I hope COVID comes to an end soon because it has taken a lot from me. Screw you, COVID. You will not take anything more from me.
Until next time blogger friends,